It Was Time...
I took Gracie in for our normal follow-up with cardiology. This meant another echo to check on her heart pressures and a lung profusion scan. I absolutely HATED lung profusion scans because she had to get an IV in order to measure the pressures between both lungs. Gracie was a really hard poke so sometimes it was 3 tries before they actually got the IV in.
We waited in the Herma Heart room when our cardiologist came in to tell me that she thought it was time. Her lung profusion scan showed that there were changes in her pressures and not good changes. My heart was broken looking at my completely perfect baby knowing that all of the progress we had made with her home may be set back once again.
It was December and we knew we wouldn't be able to wait until after Christmas so I made the decision for December 11th. This would make Gracie exactly 8 months old to the day. We'd be celebrating by her going under the knife and her daddy and I waiting to hear how the surgery went. It was a very helpless feeling but my thought was...
"Maybe we'll get lucky and be home by Christmas!"
I was realistic in the fact that I truly knew we'd be spending Christmas in the CICU. Gracie would need chest tubes again after this surgery and for whatever reason, that was always the longest part of our stay. The last time it took WEEEEEKS to get her chest tubes to stop draining, and if I knew Gracie (which I did!) I knew this time would be no different.
I felt confident that surgery would work. That our 50/50 chance was going to be on the positive side of that 50%. I cannot explain why but I ALWAYS had a gut feeling that Gracie was going to pull through and live a long healthy life! Maybe this stemmed from the psychic reading I had before I even got pregnant.
Ok, now hear me out I swear I'm not crazy! I had a psychic reading done for "fun" and I asked him if I would have trouble getting pregnant. I was concerned about this because of my years of working out and dieting for my body-building competitions. Plus many people have trouble with this every day. So here is what he said...
"You will get pregnant easily and you will be having twins, twin girls. Your twin girls will be born around March. Then two years or so later you will have a little boy and EVERYONE will be healthy".
I am FULLY aware of how crazy this all sounds, but TWIN GIRLS!! COME ON! That is totally wild to me. But for some reason, it has partially given me hope that everything will be ok. Whatever it was that helped this gut feeling I STILL feel that everything will be ok to this day.
Days leading up to surgery were filled with tons of snuggles and meeting family members. She got to meet her Aunt Megan and Uncle Eric who turn out to be the girl's "stand-in parents" (godparents lol). Two people that are so incredibly important in our lives and more so than ever. I almost think the girls really brought us all closer and we are very thankful for that!
I also felt more at peace that Gracie got to meet all of her people, everyone that is rooting for her! That was the most important part for us going into surgery.
At this point, I decided to make Gracie strong T-shirts. The main reason was to raise money for Children's Hospitals CICU to help future heart families. I was overwhelmed by how many of our friends, family, and even acquaintances wanted a shirt! We had many simply donate money to add to our cause. The most important thing to me was that it was under Gracie's name AND that it went strictly to the CICU.
I cannot remember the exact number of shirts but I know it was over 100 and we raised $1300 for the CICU! This money went strictly toward infant boxes for each room of the CICU. They were filled with vital products for these heart babies like sound machines, vibrating paddles, mobiles, etc. I came to find out later that one of my now good heart mom friends donated the other half towards these boxes, so cool!
I was proud, to say the least, and I wish I knew then what I know now and that is that Gracie has changed lives. She has changed mine, for the best. I have helped many heart families through these difficult times. All of our stories are different, no heart baby is the same. But at the end of the day our love for our children and all the struggles we each face is relatable.
Gracie had to go in for pre-op appointments so Paisley stayed with Grandma. Tim, Gracie, and I headed to the hospital. I figured it was going to kind of be like her follow-up appointments maybe 1-2 hours max. IT WAS 6 HOURS LONG!!!! I remember being SO angry by the end of it all because I wanted that day. I wanted to snuggle my baby, watch her giggle away, and play with her sister (the best 8-month-olds can.) Instead, our entire last day home was stolen from us.
I'm sure you would think that I knew what this looked like since it was not our first time having surgery but the times before we were inpatient so they were NOTHING like outpatient pre-op. What time we had remaining at home we used to snuggle our baby and appreciate all the time we had home with her.
The night before surgery we spent together, taking pictures and remembering all of the fun we had while we were home as a family of 4. The next day was definitely a day I'll never forget for the rest of my life.
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