I Started To Freak Out
Just as Gracie was all fixed up again we ran into another issue, but this time it had nothing to do with Gracie. Tim had been exposed to Covid at work. He was not in close contact with this person however, with so many coworkers it was possible someone he was close contact with, was. He called to tell me and naturally, I started to freak out. If we got Covid we would not be able to see Gracie for a minimum of 14 days.
I decided that it was best for Tim to quarantine in our home while Paisley and I stayed with my parents. It was not an ideal situation as I had a crazy amount of things to pack up. We called around to get Tim in for a covid test but everything was booked up and the only place that had an open spot was a few days later. He took the appointment and we waited. I decided it was best to not go to the hospital at this time just in case we contracted it. Giving something like covid to Gracie could quite literally kill her.
Paisley and I spent our days going for a long walk/run, I was only 3 months postpartum so I was still working on getting back in shape. She would generally fall asleep on our walks as they were about 45 minutes long or so. I called the hospital numerous times a day to check on Gracie and to make sure they were playing our recorded book for her so she could hear my voice.
Then 9 days later I got a call from the hospital. Her nurse at the time who was one of our favorites told me that they were able to remove one of Gracie’s chest tubes!! This was a huge win for us! But in doing so Gracie’s lung collapsed. I remember thinking to myself “are you fucking kidding me?!”
What else could possibly go wrong?!
I was dying inside because it had been 9 days since I had seen Gracie, this was how long it took to get Tim’s covid test back. I had zero symptoms, nor did Paisley so I said enough was enough I was going to see my baby.
I left Paisley with my parents and headed to the hospital. The other thing the nurse said was that Gracie seemed to be a little puffier than normal. I had seen her this way before so I was not too worried about the edema.
Until I saw her……..
I screamed. Our nurse was on lunch so another nurse was just checking in on Gracie during this time. (very unfortunate for her). I took one look at Gracie and I said “GET THE FUCKING DOCTOR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!’.
Gracie was HUGE. I didn’t even recognize my own child. What the hell happened in 9 days!!!
They tried to reassure me that she was doing okay but was clearly fighting something off. I grilled the doctor. I spewed question after question at him for about 45 minutes until what he was telling me made me feel somewhat better. She was still intubated, had her PICC line, collapsed lung, chest tubes, and was on more meds than most of us have been on over the course of our lifetime.
I couldn’t help but feel so incredibly guilty for leaving her the past 9 days. Not to mention feeling guilty for me needing a break. A break from running back and forth to the hospital then home and taking care of two babies who were so different but so much alike at the same time. I was angry at myself, and I was angry at the world for putting my child through all of this.
The next couple of weeks all we could do is wait and keep diarising her to get the extra fluid out of her body. She would receive daily edema massages to move the fluid around, which helps in getting rid of the extra fluid. There is not much we could do at this point other than wait and be by her side.
Paisley was still not allowed to come in with us more than that one time so Tim and I were still taking turns when we needed to.
I was happy to be back in my own home again with Tim testing negative. It was hard for Tim to not only be away from Gracie like myself but to also be away from Paisley as well. I tried to send him pictures and videos of Paisley to help ease the pain of missing his little girl.
The entire month of July was pure hell. I put on a brave face, I walked into the CICU every day and greeted nurses, doctors, and the cleaning ladies as if I wasn’t a completely broken person. I was lucky enough to form some amazing relationships between some of the staff, and let me tell you if they were with Gracie that day it truly made things even a tiny bit brighter for me.
You’ll see pictures of me smiling with my girls, and underneath that smile was someone who wanted to crawl out of her own skin and find the deepest hole to bury myself in.
I spoke with the floor manager because I could no longer take the separation between Gracie and Paisley. First of all, they grew together and were born together and they had only been with each other one day since moving from the Waukesha NICU to Children’s Hospital. She allowed me to start bringing Paisley in with me at my own risk. Meaning, hospitals are filled with bacteria and sick people. I truly did not feel like I had much of a choice, we also would not be leaving our own room so the risk would be pretty low.
Gracie would have her breathing tube for the rest of July, almost an entire month until it finally could be removed. Again, watching her try to cry with no sound coming out broke my heart. All I wanted was to hear that sweet little voice. She was very awake and aware of what was going on around her. We kept her comfortable the best we could by continuously moving her from side to side, we even cut her nookie so it fits in with her breathing tube.
She was hungry, she was scared, and I know at the end of the day she didn’t understand why this was happening just like the rest of us. But if Gracie was not going to give up…. Neither was I!
Remember each WEDNESDAY will be my “ADOPT A HEART MOM” blog post from a very special mom who reached out to tell her story. These blogs will continue each Wednesday featuring a new heart mom every month. If YOU would like to tell your story please visit our sign-up page. Or Check out my homepage for more information.
AMERICAN HEART MONTH IS IN FEBRUARY!! Check out my Instagram for a discount code on Etsy for all of my followers!
Comments