How the Neonatal-ICU broke me
My sweet girls were here on 4/11/2020, as I finally was able to see them, I thought my heart might explode. Instead, I was walking into a room with no babies and it broke my heart. They were beautiful and perfect. I noticed right away that they definitely had “Moon” genes (my maiden last name) as they had the cutest little butt chins.
I’ll never forget what the nurse first said to me as I walked up to their little incubators with IVs in each of their HEADS, wires, and lines everywhere she said, “We were wondering when you were going to come to see your babies”. That was my first encounter seeing my babies. This nurse beat me down right from the get-go as if I didn’t want to come to see my girls.
I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for my body to fail me and for my girls to be two months early. But I was trying to do the best I could at that point. I’m sorry that I was incapable of moving my legs and the nurses wouldn’t let me come to the NICU yet! It was a very insensitive comment to make to a new mother that just had her children ripped from her body too early.
As I went in to touch each of them, I found myself asking permission…permission to touch MY OWN BABIES. They then proceeded to correct me on how to touch my girls. I couldn’t rub their little finger, toes, or belly. I could only touch them with no movement since they were sensitive to touch. This was hard for me as I just wanted to rub their hands and tell them everything would be okay and that their mommy and daddy loved them more than anything.
This was the first time the NICU broke me. I had no idea what to expect. I had no idea what I was doing regardless of how much motherly instinct I had. My babies had fricken needles in their damn heads!! When I finally got to hold both of my girls at the same time, the entire world disappeared. It was the best moment in my entire life. This was also the first time that I felt “Mom Guilt”. I wanted to make sure I kissed them both the same number of times and talked to them both in equal amounts. I’m sure most of you are thinking “why couldn’t you just enjoy it?”. I truly did, but this was a feeling I had never experienced before!
I tried so hard to stay with them if I could, but I felt like my entire uterus was falling out of my body as I refused to take my pain meds due to breastfeeding. I didn’t want to make their journey any harder! But I had no choice, I needed it.
I only had four days total to spend with my girls and after that, I would not be able to see them unless they dropped the Covid rules. Therefore, my schedule was as follows:
Wake up and pump
eat breakfast
spend 3 hours with my girls
back to my room to pump and eat lunch
spend 3 hours with my girls
back to my room to pump and eat dinner
back to be with my girls for 3 hours
pump and go to bed
Then wake up every 3 hours to pump. I. WAS. EXHAUSTED!!
I remember the one morning I woke up to pump and have some coffee. I was sitting Indian style in my bed with the coffee in my hand when I fell asleep SITTING UP, I then woke up to myself pouring hot coffee on my crotch! In all honesty, I laughed out loud. I was so fortunate to have an amazing milk supply, but I had zero breastfeeding items being new to all of this. Naturally, I turned to Amazon and got the following items that made a world of difference:
These turned my world right back around. They made my life so much easier as no one talks about how HARD it is to breastfeed. I legitimately thought my nipples were going to fall off my body. They were dry, cracking, and raw.
The nurses and lactation consultants give you the general low down on what to do but they do not go into depth on how important it is to have the correct size flange or to put cream on your nipples BEFORE and AFTER each pump. Not to mention talking about engorgement. I was in so much pain when it hit 2.5-3 hours since my last pump. It looked like my boobs were going to explode!
The other thing no one talks about or at least that I NEVER knew was that even with a C-section you will still bleed like World War 3 down there. I had no idea that you still would be wearing diapers during this time. OH, AND they measure your pee for the first at least 24 hours, they wait for you to go, then they read the toilet measuring cup; I’m sorry WHAT!? But hold on… it gets even better. They ask you in front of anyone and everyone if you are passing gas and if you have pooped yet. So whatever dignity I had left after the entire OR saw my lady bits, was officially out the window. Lastly, they come in to push on your stomach to ensure your uterus is shrinking. Did I mention that I had a C-section, a massive surgery and now they want to push on my belly and uterus?! AWESOME!
And for all inquiring minds… yes, I did poop, thank you for caring! Tim would come and visit me at night after work, but to be honest all I wanted to do was be with my girls. Which I felt so guilty for, and I STILL DO, considering he couldn’t see them AT ALL! He was such a trooper through those few days and understood that I just needed to be with them.
One of my biggest regrets is not checking in on him more. I know he didn’t “need” me too, but I wish I would’ve been more understanding. I also wish I would have been a bit bolder with the nurses. They tended to act as if they knew my babies better than I did and that was hard to handle. I felt like I wasn’t doing anything right. I remember going back to my room to pump and just sobbing the whole time. I wish some of them were more understanding about what I was going through.
During the weekend I would facetime my husband while I was holding each of the girls so he could talk to them and see them. It was the best I could do for him, but I know he loved it.
My final day inpatient was a very hard day. I hated that I had to leave them to pump, and I felt like I was wasting time that I could be holding my girls and/or talking to them. This was the 2nd time I would be able to hold my girls together at the same time for a VERY long time.
The hospital allows you to stay up until 11:59 PM the day you are leaving so I milked that one hard. Tim came to pick me up from the hospital and I was in good spirits. We packed everything up, went down the elevator, he helped me in the truck and started to pull away.
The second the tires left the parking lot I burst into a hysterical cry. I arrived at the hospital with two babies, and I was leaving with no babies. I was absolutely broken. I felt like once again, I failed my girls. I was abandoning them with people they do not know. I wouldn’t be there to stop their crying or sing to them. I also had no idea when I’d be able to see them again IN PERSON. This was not right. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not how my birth story was supposed to go.
I can handle not having everyone rush to the hospital to meet our new arrivals, I can handle not receiving balloons saying, “it’s a girl!”, or flowers saying “CONGRATULATIONS!”. But this… this I could not handle. The NICU officially broke me.
My Heart Warrior Collection is officially up and ready for orders! As most of you know this is a very important part of our story.
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