Gracie Developed A Blood Infection
As quickly as the blood was filling my cheeks back up with color, and the feeling of vomiting disappeared from my daily life; It all came rushing back. Gracie couldn’t catch a break. She developed a low-grade fever which then turned into a higher fever. She had just been recently closed up from her chest being exposed for so long but we still had her chest tubes in. The chest tubes were still draining a lot of fluid and each day they were in greater her chances were to developing an infection.
And sure as shit…. on July 2nd we were told that she did in fact have an infection IN HER BLOOD. Staphylococcus. Gracie had worked so hard to get off most of her meds: Dex, Epinephrine, norepinephrine. and just like that, she was back to square one with an antibiotic on top of it all. I text my friend who was the nurse that watched Paisley while Gracie was in surgery and I said to her
“I’m slowly dying”.
This was the way I could explain to anyone how I truly felt. Each day I felt like I was dying just a little bit more. I didn’t know how much more I could take, and at the end of the day, it didn’t matter because I would keep going. Gracie wasn’t giving up so how could I?
Tim was still working the 3rd shift so I had to be back home by a certain time to be with Paisley. This was a specifically difficult night. Paisley would not go to sleep and continued screaming all night. I was literally losing my mind! I text Tim
“She won’t go downnnnnnn!!”.
He jokingly sent back “dang it P”. At this point I had been trying to get her down for TWO HOURS!! I was hysterically crying out of frustration, exhaustion and just overall being overwhelmed by everything that was going on.
I finally took Paisley into bed with me where I laid her on her boppy lounger and wrapped my arms around her. She fell asleep with ease and I did too. I guess she just wanted to feel close to me and how could I have ever been upset with that.
On July 5th we were able to FINALLY all go in as a family, even Paisley. This was such a relief for us, I was so sick of being separated every single day! They were less than 3 months old so we would take turns with the girls. It also made breastfeeding Paisley a ton easier and I didn’t have to pump while I was in the hospital (as much).
We laughed because Paisley had been so fussy all day and would not nap, then we put her next to her sister and they both fell asleep. It was the sweetest thing we had witnessed, they knew they were finally back together after SO LONG!
Gracie’s infection was not getting any better. They would take blood cultures and watch them for growth. They were still coming back positive, immediately. The doctors then came in to talk with us about what this meant.
Gracie had mediastinitis, I asked what that meant. The doctor said she would need a full chest washout. My mind was trying to wrap around what this meant. “So you have to open her back up?!” I asked. They answered “yes”.
I burst into tears. HOW?! WHY?! She finally got her chest closed, I got to hold her ONCE and you are telling me we have to cut open my baby’s chest again?! Not only that but it would be immediately the next morning.
I gathered myself and my husband and I started processing what we need to do from here regarding Paisley, work, etc.
Tim's parents were up north because it was the 4th of July weekend and my parents were as well. My parents were 4.5 hours away and Tims were 3 hours away. We needed someone to watch Paisley by 7 AM the next morning.
I called my mom first and she was/is notorious for not having her phone on her, so next, I called my dad. Naturally, I got no answer from him either because they were obviously on vacation. Lastly, I called my sister-in-law who I knew was up north with them and would most likely answer her phone. She picked up and I started to explain what was going on. My sister-in-law is a Pharmacist so I can talk to her in medical terminology without having to completely explain everything so when I told her what was going on she was panicked.
She ran to find my mom and tell her that I needed to talk to her, my mom got on the phone and again, I explained the circumstances and that we needed someone to watch Paisley so that I could be at Gracie’s surgery. Tim had to still work so we needed someone to help us out.
My mom knew this was urgent and said she’d call me back in a few minutes once she talked to my dad about what they should do. So in a panic, I then called Tim’s dad.
I explained to him what was going on and I could barely even say the words that she needed surgery again because she was SEPTIC.
FUCKING SEPTIC!!!
Sepsis kills so many people every year in hospitals, not to mention someone as immunocompromised as Gracie. How could this be happening!!
At least 1.7 million adults in America develop sepsis.
Nearly 270,000 Americans die as a result of sepsis.
1 in 3 patients who dies in a hospital has sepsis.
Sepsis, or the infection causing sepsis, starts outside of the hospital in nearly 87% of cases.
My father-in-law ensured me that if they needed to come home ASAP to watch Paisley, they would. If I am being completely honest I was more comfortable with my mom watching Paisley. The reasons are that she has other grandchildren and has had more practice RECENTLY as opposed to my Mother and Father-in-law.
I know Paisley would have been just fine with either grandparent but during a time where you are afraid to lose one child, you just need to know that your healthy child is going to be in the best hands possible. I had nightmares of Paisley being dropped or choke on something multiple times so the fear of losing my children was destroying me.
My mom called back and said that she and dad were leaving and they’d be home later that night. I felt awful for making them leave especially since dad only gets one vacation a year. I asked my mom “is dad mad at me?”. She was stunned and said,
“why would your dad be mad?”.
It was a silly question but I knew everything was such an inconvenience and something I hate to be is inconvenient to anyone.
I held Gracie’s hand and couldn’t believe what was happening. I cried all day and continued to kiss her as much as I could until it was time to leave to put Paisley to bed. The pit in my stomach when leaving Gracie was so deep it’s hard to explain in words. Everything felt wrong, everything that was happening was a fucking nightmare that I wanted to just I called numerous times that night to check on Gracie. If I was up pumping or feeding Paisley I would call. I had to make sure that my little girl was doing ok and still ALIVE. Something no mom should ever feel!
We woke up early the next morning, my mom who is usually late for everything was there 15 minutes earlier than she needed to be.
Something about my mom that I can never express enough is how much she loves her children. She would give us her last penny if she had to. She bends over backward for us, and not only us but for most people in her life. Mom and I have this in common where we are always trying to help someone or something. We spread ourselves so thin that it causes extra stress in our own lives.
The year before my mom and I had a long talk about who we are as people. We are “fixers”. The type of person who is always trying to help or “fix” someone in need. It’s a blessing and a curse. It generally leads to being walked over or left in the dust by ungrateful people. People who when they have what they want, dispose of you because you are no longer any use to them. Little did I know that this would bite me big time in future months to come.
I left for the hospital where I got too early so I could see our girl before she went back for her mediastinal washout. I was a complete mess and I know Tim was too though he always stayed so strong for all of us. Tim was meeting me as soon as he could get out of work.
The anesthesiologist went over again there part of the surgery with us and then the doctor came to see us before to explain as well. The surgeon was not Gracie’s original surgeon however, it was the surgeon on call. This made me nervous because I had trusted the one surgeon with my child and now I had to trust yet ANOTHER.
The nurse would be in every our talk tell me how Gracie was and that she was doing great. My main question to her was “will they be closing her chest right away?” She responded that she was very certain they would be. A rush of relief came over my body knowing that my girl wouldn’t have her chest wide open again.
At 11:20 am I text Tim to let him know that they were closing Gracie’s chest and that I was in the lounge waiting for him as they brought Gracie back to her room. The nurse came to get us as Gracie was coming down the hallway back to her room so that we could give her a kiss before we’d have to wait again for them to set up all of her lines and tubes.
The doctor then explained to us that the infection was surrounding her heart and had formed a small pocket of fluid on the backside of her heart. He washed everything out and was sure he got rid of the entire infection however, she would be finishing up all of her antibiotics just to be sure.
What we learned months after this infection is something that haunts me to this day.
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