Alarms Haunted My Reality and My Dreams
- caitietimschulz
- Dec 6, 2021
- 7 min read
Updated: Feb 28, 2022
Now that Paisley was home from the NICU I truly thought everything would be so much easier. In some ways it was, but in many ways, it was not. I don’t want this to come off wrong because I was BEYOND thrilled to have my baby girl home, but this meant alarms going off from her new monitor, me falling asleep face down in her room, and my boobs feeling as though they would explode like a balloon. It was another learning curve for us as parents and it took some time before we found the right groove.
Each night Paisley would wake up crying so that would sound a high heart rate alarm and I would jump out of bed faster than a cheetah after their prey. This tiny human scared the shit out of me daily. I was so afraid she was going to aspirate or stop breathing just about 24/7. She also was struggling with sleeping more than a few hours at a time and if that did not line up with times I was pumping I was basically just up all night. I was a walking zombie.
This is the reality of motherhood. While every couple does things differently, I strictly got up with the baby because I had to pump anyways and I felt it was pointless for both of us to be awake. My husband also woke up at 4 AM to get to work by 5 AM, so I knew he needed his sleep too. I’ll never forget the morning that he came in to say goodbye to me as he always did, kissing me on my cheek. I was legitimately face down on the twin’s bedroom floor with Paisley sleeping next to me in a boppy lounger (I know it’s not safe to sleep, thank you Karen but this was the only way either of us was getting any sleep!)
Tim said to me, “Babe you need to pump”. I answered back “I do not care”.
I was so unbelievably tired that my boobs were so engorged from not pumping and I’ll be damn if anyone wakes up that baby! I normally would try to have some bottles ready to go in the mini-fridge upstairs, so when she woke I would warm them up, put my pump parts together then feed her while I pumped. It seemed to be the best way to get things done. But as I stated before, this did not always line up so I’d be pumping trying not to wake up Paisley. Even when this would happen I would think to myself “well maybe I should just pump now”. If I would’ve done that then my body would’ve decided that I actually needed to make MORE milk than I already was.
Each day consisted of Paisley waking up, me feeding her, me milking myself, paisley napping (maybe) and me cleaning or doing laundry while she was since I was still unable to workout at this time, then all of this again and again until my husband came home at 4 PM. Once Tim came home I would then leave, pumping on the way to the hospital either using my Elvie or my Medela Hand Pump ( I LOVED THIS THING!). I’d hurry to park, rush in to see my sweet Gracie, and enjoy lots of baby snuggles. By this time we were getting close to surgery so as usual, I soaked up every second with my baby girl.
I know this was hard on Tim to let me go see Gracie instead of him going but at least Paisley was home and needed her daddy too. On the weekends we’d switch off going to see Gracie. Tim generally went in the mornings and then I would go once he got home. After some time I decided to take Sundays off to stay home and take a break. I did explain in a few blog posts back how hard this decision was for me but truly I know I needed to do it for my mental sanity. However, at the same time, I was still struggling.
MY MENTAL HEALTH ALARMS
It is so important to talk about my mental health at this time, and a huge part of our story which continues to this day. I always posted me smiling while snuggly my sweet babies but truly I was dying inside. Every second of every day I died just a little bit more. I started to realize how much the stress was taking a toll on my body. My skin looked dull and unhealthy, my hair was falling out, and I couldn’t quite lose weight as fast as I wanted. I tried little things like skincare to help me feel better at least on the outside, now that my face was starting to clear up from pregnancy.
I knew that I could not cope with all the pain by drinking, or doing drugs because that just was not my style, nor would this be helpful whatsoever. The best way for me to cope was to be with my children. My friendships were starting to go downhill. No one could relate to the pain so no one knew how to help me. As I stated in previous posts, I had a select few wonderful friends who were always there when I needed them.
However, I had a select few, TWO to be exact that were struggling to find ways to help. I tried to keep people in the loop by texting back but that started to just become too taxing on me to explain the same horrible news over and over again. People didn’t understand, and I was starting to wonder who actually cared and who was just being nosey.
To be honest I was so lonely. Lonely in my feelings, wondering why this was happening to us, why it chose my little girl, my first pregnancy ever. I’d go through many stages of grief knowing I’d never have newborn photos without wires or oxygen attached to my babies. Yes, paisley was home and I could have got some of just Paisley but the guilt and grief would have been worse! Not to mention I was terrified that if anyone gave us covid I wouldn’t be able to see Gracie for a minimum of 14 days!
My heart was constantly in two different places, torn between home and the hospital. Gracie usually went to sleep about 6:30 PM and I would rush home hoping Paisley was still awake so I could put her to sleep next. This was every night. I hated that I was missing anything after missing everything while they both were in the NICU.
Moving ALARMINGLY close to Gracies surgery Date
At this point, Gracie was put back on oxygen due to having lower oxygen sats and apnea. This was heartbreaking for me to see all this stuff back on my baby’s face but I knew it was necessary. We were just days away from her first open heart surgery and while I had absolutely no idea what to expect I was trying to really stay positive and hopeful that we were just closer to having our baby home with us.
On June 3rd we were moved to the cardiac unit with Gracie’s surgery scheduled for June 6th. I was spiraling. Again, I had nothing but a smile on my face talking and holding my Gracie but I was so scared that these would be my last few days of being able to do this. I wanted so badly to just give her my heart, I had a good life already. I had two beautiful babies and a loving husband, I would be at peace and happy to give my heart to my baby girl. If only this was possible. But in just 3 days’ time, I would experience feelings I never thought I would, and I would see things that absolutely no parent should ever see.
Since Christmas is just around the corner I wanted to share our absolute must-have Christmas list for 0-6 months, 6-12 months, and 12-24 months! All items can be found on Amazon for quick and easy shopping!
0-6 month Christmas Gifts
Tummy time mirror — Our girls LOVED to look at themselves!
Tummy time water play mat— Paisley loved watching the water move around and it helped with her neck strength!
Fisher-Price Kick and play Piano Gym— The girls LOVED this, I even had it in the hospital for Gracie at times.
Bright stars rattle— This was something Gracie played with a lot and is super cheap!
Bright stars ball rattle— Another item both Gracie and Paisley loved, it's an easy toy for them to hold onto.
Hanging Stroller toys— We had A LOT of these!!
Car seat toys— If you do not have one of these you need one!
Hatch sound machine— I cannot say this enough, you need this sound machine!!
Baby Bouncer— This was how I got Paisley to fall asleep some days and was Gracie's favorite! it's simple and inexpensive!
Baby Einstein Jumper— We used this SO much!
Baby Swing— We loved this so much we bought two, it is the best swing!
6-12 Month Christmas Gifts
Baby Einstein Piano— The girls loved this, and they still do!
Skip Hop baby activity Center— This item actually helped Gracie stand, it was beyond helpful!
Soft Baby Blocks— These blocks were stackable and soft for those babies who throw them (not mine of course! 😜)
Activity Table— These are crucial to help babies start to bear weight on their legs!
Fake realistic tv remote— I swear by this, our girls love our remotes but this one is so realistic so it works!
Musical moving turtle— this was Gracie's favorite toy once she came home, great for helping baby crawl.
Learning Shape Cube— this we got from a friend and it had so much to do on it that the girls really liked it.
Baby clubhouse— Perfect for crawling babies that are pulling to stand.
Fat Brains activity tree— Lots for little ones to play with, keeps their minds working.
12-24 month Christmas Gifts
Mega Bloks— Our girls are obsessed with building blocks at this age.
Magnetic Sketch Pad— This allows kids to draw and be creative without the mess, our girls love these.
FIre kids tablet— This is the newest version which is WORTH the money, we have an older one which is really slow! This is perfect for car rides.
Pop up tent and ball pit— you will not regret getting your toddlers one of these, I promise!!
Weighted sippy cups— We use them constantly, by far our favorites!
Learning pad— Great for car rides instead of an actual tablet!
Little Tykes first slide— Safe and fun for littles, can be used inside or outside depending on space.
Fridge magnets— Our girls are obsessed with their magnets.
Little Tykes go and grow Bike— This bike is safe, allowing your toddler's feet to touch the ground.
Step2 2 in 1 toy bin— We all know someone with toys everywhere, get them one of these!
I will share more gift options next week for moms and dads. I’ll have a list for heart moms and heart dads as well.
Stay safe, stay healthy and Happy Holidays EVERYONE!
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